Coping

Painting by renowned Russian artist : Ivan Konstantinovich

I haven’t really written anything for myself in a long time. I’ve been somewhat mowed down and buried under a sea of work, wins, loss, grief, travel and what-have-you.

Work has been hectic. But that’s nothing new. I’ve been hiding. Trying to cope with the sense of grief and loss that I’m experiencing.

People part for different reasons. Friends move to different cities. Lovers drift apart. Loved ones pass away. It sounds pretty normal in theory. But how do you cope with separation and loss? Grief has been a constant companion all through the last month.

I’ve always wondered what ‘living in the moment’ really means. I think I’ve understood it now. When looking into the future fills you with a sense of dread,  all you can do is seize the moment. Because when it comes down to it, there really is no choice.

I’ve tried to cope by watching self-help films and clips. Mel Robbins has a 5 second rule. You basically count to five and snap out of it. It hasn’t really worked for me. I found her other suggestion way more helpful. Exercise! I can’t say that it has made 100% of a difference but at least it makes me feel a sense of accomplishment.

So I set off at 7 am to the gym, slave at it for about 45 minutes and get back feeling better than I did before.

Work is good. Great actually. Three pitch wins in a month is what dreams are made of. But I can’t bring myself to feel happy. How can I when my personal life is in shambles? Such a contrast.

I’ve been travelling constantly. Two cities a week is a hectic schedule by any standards. Yet, I find the time to be sad. It creeps on me uninvited as I’m hanging at the airport, or as an unwelcome nightmare when sleep finally claims me. It’s there at my most proud moments, a constant reminder that I can’t have it all.

I’ve watched Sheryl Sandberg’s video on coping with loss and Plan B and I think its definitely laudable how she’s tackled her grief head on. I tried copying her strategy and it did nothing for me. I just feel too calculated trying a step-by-step. Maybe it’s supposed to feel that way and that’s how you move on. But I can’t bring myself to do it.

So, I’m just letting myself be for the moment, working like a demon, while letting all the grief and loss wash over me, carry me in its wake, hit me in full force like a wave and then recede with me in its depths, until it spits me out onto a happier shore. Carpe Diem!